I totally dropped this blog even though I had every intention of sharing here. This past spring/summer has been so emotionally draining that I had zero energy to invest in making things coherent. But I'd like to take a minute (or more) to summarize what's happened since ... say April? And to share where I see my life headed.
First things first, Sailorman and I are still together. If you read my regular blog you know that we had a camping trip together this August. But obviously it's been more complicated than just a trip.
In the middle of April the girl I dubbed "The Whore" (who I'm trying very hard to not call that), turned up pregnant. No one even mentioned that it might have been Sailorman's ... her boyfriend immediately took credit ... and I truly don't believe that it ever went that far with them. But because she got pregnant while deployed (a huge no-no), and because she definitely needed prenatal care, she was sent off the ship way early. A huge blessing for us. However, there were still aftereffects of her in our marriage, not to mention the other problems that were already there. It honestly didn't take long for Sailorman to start telling me once again that he loved me, but the blame of every problem in our marriage somehow lay with me in his head. He refused to acknowledge for a long time that he had played a part in where we stood as a couple. Eventually he began to see it as well, but we spent hours a day talking online and by the end we were always arguing because he was always having to explain to me why it really was my fault and I wasn't going to accept blame for every single problem. I was more than willing to admit that I played a role ... but it was an equal role in our current state until the other girl was brought into the picture. One day he finally recognized that he had done just as much as I had ... it was like it had suddenly dawned on him that hey, maybe he wasn't totally innocent. Whatever happened that day, he did apologize to me for several things he had done that had pushed me away.
There was still a ton of fighting. But in the end we both loved each other ... or at least still wanted to love each other. We worked hard to try to show each other exactly what we need. But when you have 9 years of experience that says that when you do x,y,z that your partner responds in a specific way, no matter what you're trying to tell yourself they're going to do, your automatic reflex is to expect your past experiences. The only way to learn that that's not true is to experience it anew. But that's not easy when you're on two separate sides of the world. I had hope, but I also was beginning to see the areas that had caused me to pull away from him emotionally much more clearly. I was starting to see why I had been hurting so badly. And it scared me to think that I would be a part of that my entire life. I was also beginning to realize exactly what it was that I needed, and not only was I worried that it would never happen but he was resentful that I was asking for those things to begin with. We obviously had a long long long way to go.
Eventually I decided to go and spend some times with both of our families. I felt like I had reached a breaking point where I HAD to get help caring for the kids, I HAD to have a small break of some sort, or else there would be nothing left of me to invest in my family and my marriage.
I traveled with The Girl, The Boy, and the dog that I may or may not have mentioned, across several states and first stayed a few days with Sailorman's parents. We spent a few days there and then drove another day to my family. I had two houses to chose between staying in each night. Both had pros and cons, so really it depended on my mood. I had a ton of help with the kids. They talked constantly about the great vacation they were having. And I kept trying to work on my marriage. But while I was there we had the worst weeks we'd had since he first told me he was in love with HER. It was terrible. And despite my promises to myself to wait to decide anything until October, I came very very close to submitting a resume to a local private school and just staying there. I don't think he knows exactly how close I was but I'm sure he must know that it crossed my mind. It was no longer about love at this point. I knew I still loved him. I was fairly certain he still loved me. Rather, it was about his attitude towards me, towards the kids, towards God, towards life in general. It was the way he talked to me. It was the inability to see any good any where. It was the lack of appreciation or concern for his family. It was the anger. It was his overwhelming need for me to take care of him and "keep him sane" when I knew that I was not called by God to play a savior role in his life. I kept praying that he'd realize that he was trying to pull me into a role that I had no business being in, one that if he allowed God back into that place that things would begin to heal, but instead he just grew more angry and more hostile. He swore he wasn't trying to push me away, but he was yelling at me on a regular basis for things I had no control over. I felt like our marriage was snowballing down the mountain and unless God put His hand on it and stopped it in its tracks, we were going to crash wide open on the rocks at the bottom.
Eventually it was time to come home as his ship would be coming home soon. I was scared, nervous, excited, hopeful, terrified.... Two days before my driving home we had a heart to heart that didn't relieve all those feelings, but it did help to ease them some. I cried. I think he cried. And I felt God's hand not stop the snowball, but at least start to slow it down. One more fight came ... over the planned vacation. We couldn't afford it. There was no way to do what we had planned out. Sailorman was furious. He was convinced that we didn't have the money because I hadn't cared enough about him to save the money. We couldn't go because I blew it on stupid things (like bills that needed to be paid). Or he would claim that I had purposefully planned for us to not be able to go to sabotage our only shot at making our marriage right again. I know that most of it was the depression talking, but I couldn't seem to find a way to convince him that even if we didn't get the trip we wanted, that we could still find a way to reconnect just the two of us -- even if it was just a few days at home without the kids. He wasn't buying it. At the last minute I reapplied for a loan that we had already been denied on ... we didn't get what we needed for the trip we wanted, but we did get approved for a portion of our application. We took that money (which we promptly paid off when his reenlistment check came in a few days after we got back), and decided to go camping, hiking, site-seeing, etc.
He came home. Homecoming was great. The kids were thrilled. His parents got to see him a day early and ride in on the ship with him. And I have never seen as big of a smile on his face other than our wedding day and the day The Girl was born as I did that morning. He was beaming as he hugged me and then the kids. He gave me flowers and told me he loved me.
Two days later the kids stayed with friends and we left for the mountains. While gone we also visited Cherokee, NC and Gatlinburg, TN. We spent 5 days in the mountains. Came home a day early to sleep in our own bed without the kids around. And in general we had fun. Only a couple of rough spots which we sorted out fairly quickly.
I'm still hurting. We still have a very long way to go. But we're both trying. We're working on being honest with each other. Telling each other exactly how we're feeling, and why. We're trying to stay connected throughout the day. It probably helps that he's really not been home long enough for the vacation feel of it to leave, but we should have that for a little while longer and I'm not anxious to give it up. As of today, no matter how badly I hurt, I'm no where close to wanting a divorce. I can't look at my kids and say that the pain I've been through wasn't worth finding a way to make my family work. Both kids adore him so completely that I can't imagine taking him out of their daily lives. And in the last few weeks he's getting to know them just as well. He's carving out time for them each day. He's playing with them and enjoying them much more. I wonder if he realized that one day he might not have the chance to play with them whenever he wants and if that's making a difference. Whatever caused the change, though, I like it and I know the kids love it.
We have agreed to see a counselor, although we don't agree one whether it should be a Christian counselor or not. But at least we've agreed to go to one. We're doing more together. We're committed to dating each other again. And I think we're headed in the right direction. There's still some snow left on that snowball that God slowed down and eventually stopped. The sun seems to be melting a lot of it away, but at the core there are still some big rocks that we're going to have to deal with or else we're going to be smashed along with them at the base of the mountain. But as we continue to work together, the issues are slowing shrinking. I pray that the goodness we're experiencing right now continues for a long while.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
A Plan of Action
Just over a year ago, I lost 2 of the most influential men in my life at almost the exact same time. That really was when I stopped blogging as frequently. I made come backs and would be good for a month or so, and then I'd have to take a step back. Over the last year I have felt compelled to tell you all about these losses and explain the impact they had on me, but for the first time ever, tonight I plan on actually getting some of the story about them out. Not in the way I had ever intended to tell you about them, but in a way that I hope expresses the love for them I had regardless.
Today I want to share part of the stories of my grandfathers. We'll call one Grandad A and the other Grandad Z. Just as the letters I am choosing to represent them are on opposite ends of the alphabet, so were these two men polar opposite personalities. In the beginning of their becoming family, it would have been safe to say that they were as close to hating each other as they could get. By the end, they were praying for each other daily and sending messages to the other person through us as they were 2 floors apart in the same hospital.
***Before you read farther, I would like to point out that I fully understand that in the grand scheme of things, that God holds the ultimate final decision on when we die. However, we live in a world that has been tainted by sin, so that when we make decisions that could affect our lifespan, I believe that God allows us to make those choices and suffer the consequences of them. While I am not thrilled with the events that led to the deaths of my grandfathers, I loved them both very much and simply mourn their bad decisions, but never mourn that they are now in a much better pain-free place.***
Grandad A was my father's father. He was a southern gentleman, raised by a widowed mother during the depression. He was quiet, reserved, hardworking, and extremely polite. He lived his life serving others and taking care of their needs far before his own. He wanted peace in his family, and strove to find it no matter the cost to him. But he also was not willing to back down on a subject if he thought that it was something to stand his ground on. I know I never heard him raise his voice, and my father can only remember hearing Grandad A yell once in his entire life. Not that he never became upset or angry, but instead he handled it with dignity and extreme amounts of composure. All my life, I wanted to marry a man just like him. I wanted to model myself after him. And in many ways I succeeded in becoming like him -- unfortunately I don't manage to handle myself with the dignity and composure he did when he was upset -- I promise that if you hurt me I will yell. But other traits of his I do have. I want to see peace in my family. When I commit to something I go full force. I can be super stubborn about my beliefs and will not back down when I believe it is something worth fighting for. And I continually put others before myself.
Grandad A was diagnosed with throat cancer shortly after I was married. He made as little fuss about it as possible. But after the cancer was eradicated, his throat had completely closed up. He was unable to swallow food. He had over a dozen surgeries to open up his throat. During this time my grandmother, his wife, progressed into some of the later stages of Alzheimer's. He spent so much time taking care of her, that he didn't take seriously the instructions that he had to learn how to swallow again. We constantly were told "I just don't have the time for that. She needs me right now, I'll do it later." Eventually they put a feeding tube into his stomach and he was supposed to feed himself a certain amount of food on a specific schedule. He again "didn't have time" to eat that much because "she needed" him to do other things for her or the "church needed" him to do something or a "neighbor called and needed" him to run an errand. He tried to get by on putting in less than half the calories he was prescribed. In the very end, what eventually killed him was his refusal to take care of himself and keep himself healthy. He put so much effort into taking care of my grandmother, and his obligations at church, and everyone/thing else, that he never took care of himself. When he passed he weighed less than 90lbs -- he was once over 6 feet tall. He died of a strain of pneumonia that his body should have been able to fight off if he had kept himself healthy.
Grandad Z was my mother's father. He was blunt, forceful, and was convinced that only he knew best. If he saw something that needed to be done, he found someone that was capable of doing it, and ordered that they get it done. He told you what to do, and either you did it, or you suffered his wrath (which when he was younger was violence, but as he grew older became simply long long long lectures). If there was something the HE was supposed to do, he either did the job perfect, or he didn't do it at all. And if there was something that he enjoyed, he dove into it with all his heart and mind, and expected the rest of the world to adjust to his indulgences. If he had something on his mind, he said it and he didn't care if you liked what he had to say or not. He was a forceful personality that many people didn't get along with. Most of the family were frequently heard to say that they loved him because he was family, but they wouldn't like him if he wasn't. By the time he died we had come to an understanding. You see, while I never wanted to be like him, I had become like him in many areas. If I'm going to do something, I want it to be perfect. If I find something that I enjoy, I throw my entire heart and soul into it. And if I have something to say, you know it. I would like to think I say it much nicer than he would have, but I know that I'm not always as thought out as I'd like to be. So when he would start to lecture me on how I should do xyz and I had already decided to do lmn instead, we would joust around the subject for a while, until he finally backed off realizing that it was pointless to argue with me as I was too much like him. I was the only child or grandchild that ever reached that relationship with him, but I'm so thankful I did.
However, he died in his 60s because of something he could have prevented -- heart problems that eventually lead to total organ failure. He decided when he first married my grandmother that he wasn't going to tell himself no anytime he wanted something to eat. He LOVED food. He enjoyed every minute of it. He could discuss spices and textures and cooking techiniques with the best of them. He taught me to never judge a food until you tasted it. He taught me to enjoy all sorts of spices and flavors. He was a pharmacist and knew what he needed to do for his physical body. But when in his 40's he weighed in at over 300 pounds and was already having heart problems, he decided that it wasn't worth his time or effort to do anything about it. He enjoyed food too much to tell himself no. He made daily choices to perpetuate an unhealthy lifestyle. And about once every few years he would make a valiant effort at losing weight, drop about 50 pounds and decide to reward himself with 2-3 days of constant eating all the things he enjoyed. When he'd see the number on the scale rise even a little bit after his binge, he'd throw his hands in the air, say he would be forever fat so there was no point in depriving himself. My grandmother took things into her own hands and only bought healthy foods: she cut out as much fat as she possibly could, started cooking with more raw unprocessed foods, tried to find ways to make their food appealing but still healthy. He approached it as a "hey, it's good for me, so I can have as much as I want." He knew better, but he did it anyway. Because he chose to not say no to himself, he eventually chose to die of heart problems, leaving people behind that needed him to take care of them. He knew in his 40s that the choices he made would impact not only the length of his life, but also the lives of his entire family, and he still chose to be selfish. I wake up on a near daily basis not only missing him as a person to talk to (because I could tell him anything and know I would only hear the truth come out of his mouth), but also mourning that he chose to die way too early when I still needed him here on earth.
March marked the first year anniversary of their deaths -- 9 days apart. It has had me doing a lot of thinking about their lives, their decisions, and my life. I see a lot of both of them in me. But a recent conversation with my mother led me to the following conclusions.
1. I am a lot like Grandad A in that I have the tendency to put others before myself so much so that I allow myself to retreat into an unhealthy place. I allow myself to carry other peoples pains, depression, sins, burdens, etc. on my own back when I should be hearing them, praying over them, and putting them in God's hands. When I carry them myself, however, I end up putting myself into an emotional and spiritual free-fall where I am depressed and feeling disconnected from God. A good trait -- serving others first -- becomes carried to the extreme in me (just as it did in Grandad A) until it's no longer good.
2. Sailorman is a lot like Grandad Z. First of all, he speaks a lot like Grandad Z -- forceful, blunt, tactless, and never realizing the impact his words have on others. But also, he indulges in his own desires so much that he tends to forget that other people have needs too. He allows his insistance that he matter (which isn't a bad trait necessarily) become so overpowering that it consumes him and the only person he can see is himself.
3. I can not allow myself to become so much of Grandad A that I lose myself to a personality like Grandad Z. Right now, I feel like I'm slightly in danger of that. Emotionally I have been spiralling out of control. I am starting to feel myself withdraw from God. And I am not happy about it. I AM willing to put forth everything I have to in order to rescue my marriage and my husband from the road that we seem to be headed on (minus the separation from God because that is a no-compromise area), BUT a part of me is crying out that I matter too, that my emotions and thoughts and feelings are valid too, and that I can't lose who I am in the process of healing Sailorman.
I had this epiphany the same day that I saw Therapist Fred last. So I shared it with him, and asked how do I draw the line where I am serving others first but also keeping myself healthy. How do I know that I'm not taking this too far? What boundaries should I put up and where/when should they go up?
We talked about a lot of specifics that I won't get into, but in the end I have a general plan of action that was already vaguely in the back of my head, but now is quite specific.
~Sailorman returns late July/early August. We will have a trip together -- just the two of us -- in this month.
~In September Sailorman will change duty stations and will be removed from the current situation.
~If by the end of October I am not seeing him invest in our marriage, I am not seeing him try as hard as he can for us, and I still feel like I'm losing myself and in the process becoming depressed and withdrawn, I will give a final ultimatum. Take specific steps (that I have clear in my head) or leave. I have never threatened to make him leave before (even though I've occasionally wanted to), and I have never mentioned the word divorce except to tell him I'm not giving him one right now, so if I have to say it in October it will be with dead seriousness. I don't joke about such things. And as sad as that sounds, it is actually an empowering and uplifting feeling to say that one way or another I know that the place I am in today is not a life sentence. I also do not expect that in October that things would be perfect -- I just need to see him trying (very hard) as well by then.
That being said, I think that simply by acknowledging the choices that both of my grandfathers made that turned destructive, and then saying that I refuse to melt into either of those outcomes is healthy. I will learn from their mistakes early on I hope. I know that my marriage will be even better by my insistance that I be healthy. I hope to find the balance in between me as a wife, a mother, and an individual that I need while keeping in mind that all of those are secondary to being God's daugther.
Tonight I'm on my way to bed feeling very much at peace for the first time in ages. I see hope for my marriage, but I also know that if decisions are made that I can't control, that there is hope for me regardless. I am finally at peace that no matter how this ends, I will be able to rest in God's hands and feel safe in secure in Him. I will put Him first, my family second, and me third. In the meantime, I want to be healthy, balanced, and content in my current circumstances so that I can be who God has called me to be.
Today I want to share part of the stories of my grandfathers. We'll call one Grandad A and the other Grandad Z. Just as the letters I am choosing to represent them are on opposite ends of the alphabet, so were these two men polar opposite personalities. In the beginning of their becoming family, it would have been safe to say that they were as close to hating each other as they could get. By the end, they were praying for each other daily and sending messages to the other person through us as they were 2 floors apart in the same hospital.
***Before you read farther, I would like to point out that I fully understand that in the grand scheme of things, that God holds the ultimate final decision on when we die. However, we live in a world that has been tainted by sin, so that when we make decisions that could affect our lifespan, I believe that God allows us to make those choices and suffer the consequences of them. While I am not thrilled with the events that led to the deaths of my grandfathers, I loved them both very much and simply mourn their bad decisions, but never mourn that they are now in a much better pain-free place.***
Grandad A was my father's father. He was a southern gentleman, raised by a widowed mother during the depression. He was quiet, reserved, hardworking, and extremely polite. He lived his life serving others and taking care of their needs far before his own. He wanted peace in his family, and strove to find it no matter the cost to him. But he also was not willing to back down on a subject if he thought that it was something to stand his ground on. I know I never heard him raise his voice, and my father can only remember hearing Grandad A yell once in his entire life. Not that he never became upset or angry, but instead he handled it with dignity and extreme amounts of composure. All my life, I wanted to marry a man just like him. I wanted to model myself after him. And in many ways I succeeded in becoming like him -- unfortunately I don't manage to handle myself with the dignity and composure he did when he was upset -- I promise that if you hurt me I will yell. But other traits of his I do have. I want to see peace in my family. When I commit to something I go full force. I can be super stubborn about my beliefs and will not back down when I believe it is something worth fighting for. And I continually put others before myself.
Grandad A was diagnosed with throat cancer shortly after I was married. He made as little fuss about it as possible. But after the cancer was eradicated, his throat had completely closed up. He was unable to swallow food. He had over a dozen surgeries to open up his throat. During this time my grandmother, his wife, progressed into some of the later stages of Alzheimer's. He spent so much time taking care of her, that he didn't take seriously the instructions that he had to learn how to swallow again. We constantly were told "I just don't have the time for that. She needs me right now, I'll do it later." Eventually they put a feeding tube into his stomach and he was supposed to feed himself a certain amount of food on a specific schedule. He again "didn't have time" to eat that much because "she needed" him to do other things for her or the "church needed" him to do something or a "neighbor called and needed" him to run an errand. He tried to get by on putting in less than half the calories he was prescribed. In the very end, what eventually killed him was his refusal to take care of himself and keep himself healthy. He put so much effort into taking care of my grandmother, and his obligations at church, and everyone/thing else, that he never took care of himself. When he passed he weighed less than 90lbs -- he was once over 6 feet tall. He died of a strain of pneumonia that his body should have been able to fight off if he had kept himself healthy.
Grandad Z was my mother's father. He was blunt, forceful, and was convinced that only he knew best. If he saw something that needed to be done, he found someone that was capable of doing it, and ordered that they get it done. He told you what to do, and either you did it, or you suffered his wrath (which when he was younger was violence, but as he grew older became simply long long long lectures). If there was something the HE was supposed to do, he either did the job perfect, or he didn't do it at all. And if there was something that he enjoyed, he dove into it with all his heart and mind, and expected the rest of the world to adjust to his indulgences. If he had something on his mind, he said it and he didn't care if you liked what he had to say or not. He was a forceful personality that many people didn't get along with. Most of the family were frequently heard to say that they loved him because he was family, but they wouldn't like him if he wasn't. By the time he died we had come to an understanding. You see, while I never wanted to be like him, I had become like him in many areas. If I'm going to do something, I want it to be perfect. If I find something that I enjoy, I throw my entire heart and soul into it. And if I have something to say, you know it. I would like to think I say it much nicer than he would have, but I know that I'm not always as thought out as I'd like to be. So when he would start to lecture me on how I should do xyz and I had already decided to do lmn instead, we would joust around the subject for a while, until he finally backed off realizing that it was pointless to argue with me as I was too much like him. I was the only child or grandchild that ever reached that relationship with him, but I'm so thankful I did.
However, he died in his 60s because of something he could have prevented -- heart problems that eventually lead to total organ failure. He decided when he first married my grandmother that he wasn't going to tell himself no anytime he wanted something to eat. He LOVED food. He enjoyed every minute of it. He could discuss spices and textures and cooking techiniques with the best of them. He taught me to never judge a food until you tasted it. He taught me to enjoy all sorts of spices and flavors. He was a pharmacist and knew what he needed to do for his physical body. But when in his 40's he weighed in at over 300 pounds and was already having heart problems, he decided that it wasn't worth his time or effort to do anything about it. He enjoyed food too much to tell himself no. He made daily choices to perpetuate an unhealthy lifestyle. And about once every few years he would make a valiant effort at losing weight, drop about 50 pounds and decide to reward himself with 2-3 days of constant eating all the things he enjoyed. When he'd see the number on the scale rise even a little bit after his binge, he'd throw his hands in the air, say he would be forever fat so there was no point in depriving himself. My grandmother took things into her own hands and only bought healthy foods: she cut out as much fat as she possibly could, started cooking with more raw unprocessed foods, tried to find ways to make their food appealing but still healthy. He approached it as a "hey, it's good for me, so I can have as much as I want." He knew better, but he did it anyway. Because he chose to not say no to himself, he eventually chose to die of heart problems, leaving people behind that needed him to take care of them. He knew in his 40s that the choices he made would impact not only the length of his life, but also the lives of his entire family, and he still chose to be selfish. I wake up on a near daily basis not only missing him as a person to talk to (because I could tell him anything and know I would only hear the truth come out of his mouth), but also mourning that he chose to die way too early when I still needed him here on earth.
March marked the first year anniversary of their deaths -- 9 days apart. It has had me doing a lot of thinking about their lives, their decisions, and my life. I see a lot of both of them in me. But a recent conversation with my mother led me to the following conclusions.
1. I am a lot like Grandad A in that I have the tendency to put others before myself so much so that I allow myself to retreat into an unhealthy place. I allow myself to carry other peoples pains, depression, sins, burdens, etc. on my own back when I should be hearing them, praying over them, and putting them in God's hands. When I carry them myself, however, I end up putting myself into an emotional and spiritual free-fall where I am depressed and feeling disconnected from God. A good trait -- serving others first -- becomes carried to the extreme in me (just as it did in Grandad A) until it's no longer good.
2. Sailorman is a lot like Grandad Z. First of all, he speaks a lot like Grandad Z -- forceful, blunt, tactless, and never realizing the impact his words have on others. But also, he indulges in his own desires so much that he tends to forget that other people have needs too. He allows his insistance that he matter (which isn't a bad trait necessarily) become so overpowering that it consumes him and the only person he can see is himself.
3. I can not allow myself to become so much of Grandad A that I lose myself to a personality like Grandad Z. Right now, I feel like I'm slightly in danger of that. Emotionally I have been spiralling out of control. I am starting to feel myself withdraw from God. And I am not happy about it. I AM willing to put forth everything I have to in order to rescue my marriage and my husband from the road that we seem to be headed on (minus the separation from God because that is a no-compromise area), BUT a part of me is crying out that I matter too, that my emotions and thoughts and feelings are valid too, and that I can't lose who I am in the process of healing Sailorman.
I had this epiphany the same day that I saw Therapist Fred last. So I shared it with him, and asked how do I draw the line where I am serving others first but also keeping myself healthy. How do I know that I'm not taking this too far? What boundaries should I put up and where/when should they go up?
We talked about a lot of specifics that I won't get into, but in the end I have a general plan of action that was already vaguely in the back of my head, but now is quite specific.
~Sailorman returns late July/early August. We will have a trip together -- just the two of us -- in this month.
~In September Sailorman will change duty stations and will be removed from the current situation.
~If by the end of October I am not seeing him invest in our marriage, I am not seeing him try as hard as he can for us, and I still feel like I'm losing myself and in the process becoming depressed and withdrawn, I will give a final ultimatum. Take specific steps (that I have clear in my head) or leave. I have never threatened to make him leave before (even though I've occasionally wanted to), and I have never mentioned the word divorce except to tell him I'm not giving him one right now, so if I have to say it in October it will be with dead seriousness. I don't joke about such things. And as sad as that sounds, it is actually an empowering and uplifting feeling to say that one way or another I know that the place I am in today is not a life sentence. I also do not expect that in October that things would be perfect -- I just need to see him trying (very hard) as well by then.
That being said, I think that simply by acknowledging the choices that both of my grandfathers made that turned destructive, and then saying that I refuse to melt into either of those outcomes is healthy. I will learn from their mistakes early on I hope. I know that my marriage will be even better by my insistance that I be healthy. I hope to find the balance in between me as a wife, a mother, and an individual that I need while keeping in mind that all of those are secondary to being God's daugther.
Tonight I'm on my way to bed feeling very much at peace for the first time in ages. I see hope for my marriage, but I also know that if decisions are made that I can't control, that there is hope for me regardless. I am finally at peace that no matter how this ends, I will be able to rest in God's hands and feel safe in secure in Him. I will put Him first, my family second, and me third. In the meantime, I want to be healthy, balanced, and content in my current circumstances so that I can be who God has called me to be.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Second Post -- A Fun Kid Story
To lighten the mood, let me share a Girl - Boy story.
Both children have seen quite a few sharing videos recently. They had been fighting more than normal over toys so I made it a point to re-enforce my insistance on sharing through VeggieTales, 3-2-1 Penguins, Clifford, and whatever sharing shows happened to come on PBS (which was a surprisingly large number last week!). Both kids seemed to be getting it, and the arguments over toys was dwindling.
Then came supper this evening. I made a fake shrimp scampi (pasta roni plus shrimp). My kids LOVE shrimp. But the Girl eats it faster. They both were eating and Girl goes "Boy, I have NO shrimp! Want to share?" The Boy agreed and handed her a piece of shrimp because he can't tell the Girl that she can't have something he has and likes (in his head at least). I start to say no more, and at that moment the Boy was putting more shrimp in his mouth when Girl grabbed it and goes "I told you to share it with me!!!!"
Obviously, I made her put it back and apologize. To punish me for getting onto her, she refused to eat more food. And now her stomach hurts "soooooooooo bad" because she "needs" pretzels because she wasn't able to eat supper. I guess she'll go to bed with an empty tummy because there's no way I'm giving her pretzels tonight. lol
I love the way her brain works though. And maybe it's time we stop talking about sharing and start talking about respecting other people's belongings. What a fine line to walk for a 3 year old though!
Both children have seen quite a few sharing videos recently. They had been fighting more than normal over toys so I made it a point to re-enforce my insistance on sharing through VeggieTales, 3-2-1 Penguins, Clifford, and whatever sharing shows happened to come on PBS (which was a surprisingly large number last week!). Both kids seemed to be getting it, and the arguments over toys was dwindling.
Then came supper this evening. I made a fake shrimp scampi (pasta roni plus shrimp). My kids LOVE shrimp. But the Girl eats it faster. They both were eating and Girl goes "Boy, I have NO shrimp! Want to share?" The Boy agreed and handed her a piece of shrimp because he can't tell the Girl that she can't have something he has and likes (in his head at least). I start to say no more, and at that moment the Boy was putting more shrimp in his mouth when Girl grabbed it and goes "I told you to share it with me!!!!"
Obviously, I made her put it back and apologize. To punish me for getting onto her, she refused to eat more food. And now her stomach hurts "soooooooooo bad" because she "needs" pretzels because she wasn't able to eat supper. I guess she'll go to bed with an empty tummy because there's no way I'm giving her pretzels tonight. lol
I love the way her brain works though. And maybe it's time we stop talking about sharing and start talking about respecting other people's belongings. What a fine line to walk for a 3 year old though!
One of Two for the Day :)
I just read through my last 2 posts and realized how upset and angry I sounded. And yes, I am upset and angry. But I'm also very very hopeful.
I'm hopeful because I have a God that can heal and restore any situation. He took a broken world that He created and loved, and He healed it with the unthinkable -- the death of His only son. When Jesus was resurrected it brought healing, restoration, and reconciliation between all of creation and Himself! He longs to do that in every broken situation on our earth. Whether it's broken by disease or violence or negligence or hatred, God's creation has been tainted by evil but there is hope because Jesus came to this world so that the entire world -- all of His creation -- might be saved.
My marriage is in a broken place. I've seen more good days than bad in this last week, but we're still broken. And Sailorman is not the only culprit. I have allowed resentment, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, and selfishness on my part, creep into our marriage and bring it to this place. I'm a broken person, married to a broken person. But I also know that just as Christ is living in me and working to heal ME, He is also working in my marriage, and in my husband's heart.
So there is hope. I see positive things happening on an almost daily basis. And I'm content in the circumstances I find myself in, while knowing that God is working through those circumstances for the good of those who love him.
I hope that as you read through my next several posts that you're able to pick out phrases from Scripture as I've been trying to breathe them in on a regular basis recently. :) It's amazing how when you sit down and try to recall scripture that you supposedly memorized when you were younger that it's hard to pull them out of thin air, but suddenly when you truly need them the Holy Spirit whispers it in your ear and you find yourself living and breathing those words of comfort, peace, joy, and calm into your life.
I'm hopeful because I have a God that can heal and restore any situation. He took a broken world that He created and loved, and He healed it with the unthinkable -- the death of His only son. When Jesus was resurrected it brought healing, restoration, and reconciliation between all of creation and Himself! He longs to do that in every broken situation on our earth. Whether it's broken by disease or violence or negligence or hatred, God's creation has been tainted by evil but there is hope because Jesus came to this world so that the entire world -- all of His creation -- might be saved.
My marriage is in a broken place. I've seen more good days than bad in this last week, but we're still broken. And Sailorman is not the only culprit. I have allowed resentment, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, and selfishness on my part, creep into our marriage and bring it to this place. I'm a broken person, married to a broken person. But I also know that just as Christ is living in me and working to heal ME, He is also working in my marriage, and in my husband's heart.
So there is hope. I see positive things happening on an almost daily basis. And I'm content in the circumstances I find myself in, while knowing that God is working through those circumstances for the good of those who love him.
I hope that as you read through my next several posts that you're able to pick out phrases from Scripture as I've been trying to breathe them in on a regular basis recently. :) It's amazing how when you sit down and try to recall scripture that you supposedly memorized when you were younger that it's hard to pull them out of thin air, but suddenly when you truly need them the Holy Spirit whispers it in your ear and you find yourself living and breathing those words of comfort, peace, joy, and calm into your life.
Friday, March 19, 2010
My marriage.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start. Let me try to give a summary, but I don't know that this can be short by any standard.
Sailorman and I have had problems for a while now. We've both known it. This last fall I realized that he was incredibly close to a girl, who we now know as The Whore. I confronted him on the fact that he was not investing in the kids and I, but he was pouring emotional energy in The Whore. I told him we had enough problems without bringing another person into it. I knew she liked him. I could tell he at least was crushing on her. I was furious. I drug him to see Therapist Fred. He swore they were just friends. He committed to working on our marriage. I thought things were getting better.
He lied.
Sailorman deployed at the beginning of the year. Our primary communication comes in the form of Facebook chat. Unfortunately, The Whore works for him on the ship. They have more time than ever to get buddy buddy and such. The Whore has a boyfriend, but everyone on the ship knows she prefers Sailorman to her boyfriend. Sailorman and I had one argument. It wasn't marriage shattering -- it was barely even worth raising an eyebrow at. Yet he chose that argument to be the starting point to telling me that he was in love with The Whore. He didn't/doesn't think he loves me and isn't sure that he ever really did. I am furious, but tell him that if he wants out of our marriage without at least trying to make it work for the sake of our kids, that he'll have to pursue that himself because I still believed that we owed it to the kids to do the absolute most we could to keep it together for their sake. Sailorman's only response is "I just don't know."
He tells The Whore how he feels, but she's a smart 21 year old. She knows that getting involved with a married older man that you work for in the Navy is NOT a good idea. She rejects him. He's crushed. He comes running to me -- not that he loves me, but because he knows that I'm the only person that will listen to his crap and care that he's hurt. Asshole move, right? I tell him so, but also promise that I'll listen to anything BESIDES that. He wants to tell me about conflict with his boss? I'll listen. He wants to complain about food on the ship? I'll listen. And I'll listen to complaints on lack of mail, loneliness, long work days, boredom, etc., but I don't want to hear her name. He tries to manipulate me into filing for divorce by telling me terrible things, about me, about him, about our relationship, and about his relationship with The Whore. He even told me that he doesn't understand why I haven't left yet because he knows he would have. I have stood my ground and continued to tell him that I will not listen to this, and that if he wants out then he can file himself, but for now I'm staying as I still want to work on it.
The Whore is not talking to him. It's making his life miserable. (And you see how well my not hearing about her is working out? I still have to hear about her.... ugh.) But he's slowly making new friends. And he's actually talking to me again. He even slipped up one night and told me he loves me.
He finally tells me that he doesn't want to lose his kids. He doesn't think that there is much hope for us, but he's willing to give it a shot through counseling as I've been asking him to do. I'm now in the process of trying to find the funds for a marriage workshop for marriages in crisis that he's agreed to attend with me (that has a success rate of 3 out of 4 marriages that attend are still together over a year after attending). It's $1500 though, plus hotels and meals.
He also has agreed to plan a trip with me -- just the two of us with no kids. We're looking at learning to dive together. I think it could be a lot of fun.
I'm now in counseling because this is probably the most depressing situation I've ever been in -- and that's saying a lot as I was raped shortly before I was married. It's one thing for someone you semi-know to take advantage of you, but a completely different thing when the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with betrays you.
Right now my stance on my marriage is: I am committed to doing everything I can to restore and renew my marriage that I can, so that if the time comes that I have to leave, I know I did the best I could for myself and my children.
By the way, I know that a lot of this sounds hopeless, and yes he's being selfish and a jerk and honestly doesn't even deserve a family right now, but I know first of all, that this is about more than just him not being happy -- this is about his soul needing to God's rest and peace. And I know that there is always hope. I see a long future ahead of us if we can just survive the rest of this deployment. He's making plans with me. He's committed to trying to work on this. He's acknowledged that no one could have treated him better than I do and that his kids deserve to have him in their lives. There is always hope. Some days it's just hard to hold onto though.
~Steph
The Beginning
I have spent the last several months in blogger-hiding for multiple reasons, but the main one was my marriage. I wasn't free to talk about it online. I had too many links from my real life to my blog and couldn't risk pulling my kids into a situation where they might be brought into it. The only solution I have been able to find is to start anew. I'll still update from time to time my other blogs, but until I can write without feeling like I'm lieing for not talking about my marriage, then I'll primarily stay here.
Let's meet the cast of characters:
Sailorman: My husband. We've been married for 4 1/2 years but known each other for nearly 9. Usually I love him, but some days I want to throw him out of a third-story window. He suffers from severe depression and no matter whether he's taking medication for it or not, we see the effects of it on a daily basis. He is in the Navy and is currently deployed.
The Girl: is 3. Her name is hard to pronounce. She's artistic and creative and stubborn and frustrating. She makes my world a beautiful place with a (generally) sweet spirit, but her perfectionism and know-it-all attitude promises a teenage-hood full of challenges. If nothing else, I can say she makes my life fun. She also has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger, and she knows it.
The Boy: is 2. He's the sweetest most loving child I've ever known. He loves to cuddle and kiss and tickle. He wants everyone to always smile and is the first to say he's sorry and ask for a hug whenever someone is acting even a little upset. He worships his sister, and clings to his mommy.
The Whore: is just what she sounds like she might be -- a person that shouldn't be a part of my marriage. My husband might argue that she has her good points, but I don't see them. She works on Sailorman's ship and there is nothing physically going on between them. If that changes, she might die. The emotional relationship is being cut off as much as it can, but until they no longer serve on the same ship, I have little hope for it staying that way. I have hope that I will be able to cut her out of this cast of characters at least by next fall.
Therapist Fred: Obviously my therapist. He is helping me find my way through life right now as it's proven to have rougher waters than I ever imagined.
Steph: That would be me. Wife. Mommy. I used to be a teacher, now I teach my kids. I'm involved in my church and am trying to be more so. I have fibromyalgia that makes life difficult from time to time.
And that's our currently family in a nutshell.
Next post: The marriage fiasco.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)