Second Post -- A Fun Kid Story

To lighten the mood, let me share a Girl - Boy story.


Both children have seen quite a few sharing videos recently. They had been fighting more than normal over toys so I made it a point to re-enforce my insistance on sharing through VeggieTales, 3-2-1 Penguins, Clifford, and whatever sharing shows happened to come on PBS (which was a surprisingly large number last week!). Both kids seemed to be getting it, and the arguments over toys was dwindling.

Then came supper this evening. I made a fake shrimp scampi (pasta roni plus shrimp). My kids LOVE shrimp. But the Girl eats it faster. They both were eating and Girl goes "Boy, I have NO shrimp! Want to share?" The Boy agreed and handed her a piece of shrimp because he can't tell the Girl that she can't have something he has and likes (in his head at least). I start to say no more, and at that moment the Boy was putting more shrimp in his mouth when Girl grabbed it and goes "I told you to share it with me!!!!"


Obviously, I made her put it back and apologize. To punish me for getting onto her, she refused to eat more food. And now her stomach hurts "soooooooooo bad" because she "needs" pretzels because she wasn't able to eat supper. I guess she'll go to bed with an empty tummy because there's no way I'm giving her pretzels tonight. lol


I love the way her brain works though. And maybe it's time we stop talking about sharing and start talking about respecting other people's belongings. What a fine line to walk for a 3 year old though!

One of Two for the Day :)

I just read through my last 2 posts and realized how upset and angry I sounded. And yes, I am upset and angry. But I'm also very very hopeful.



I'm hopeful because I have a God that can heal and restore any situation. He took a broken world that He created and loved, and He healed it with the unthinkable -- the death of His only son. When Jesus was resurrected it brought healing, restoration, and reconciliation between all of creation and Himself! He longs to do that in every broken situation on our earth. Whether it's broken by disease or violence or negligence or hatred, God's creation has been tainted by evil but there is hope because Jesus came to this world so that the entire world -- all of His creation -- might be saved.



My marriage is in a broken place. I've seen more good days than bad in this last week, but we're still broken. And Sailorman is not the only culprit. I have allowed resentment, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, and selfishness on my part, creep into our marriage and bring it to this place. I'm a broken person, married to a broken person. But I also know that just as Christ is living in me and working to heal ME, He is also working in my marriage, and in my husband's heart.



So there is hope. I see positive things happening on an almost daily basis. And I'm content in the circumstances I find myself in, while knowing that God is working through those circumstances for the good of those who love him.



I hope that as you read through my next several posts that you're able to pick out phrases from Scripture as I've been trying to breathe them in on a regular basis recently. :) It's amazing how when you sit down and try to recall scripture that you supposedly memorized when you were younger that it's hard to pull them out of thin air, but suddenly when you truly need them the Holy Spirit whispers it in your ear and you find yourself living and breathing those words of comfort, peace, joy, and calm into your life.

My marriage.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. Let me try to give a summary, but I don't know that this can be short by any standard.

Sailorman and I have had problems for a while now. We've both known it. This last fall I realized that he was incredibly close to a girl, who we now know as The Whore. I confronted him on the fact that he was not investing in the kids and I, but he was pouring emotional energy in The Whore. I told him we had enough problems without bringing another person into it. I knew she liked him. I could tell he at least was crushing on her. I was furious. I drug him to see Therapist Fred. He swore they were just friends. He committed to working on our marriage. I thought things were getting better.

He lied.

Sailorman deployed at the beginning of the year. Our primary communication comes in the form of Facebook chat. Unfortunately, The Whore works for him on the ship. They have more time than ever to get buddy buddy and such. The Whore has a boyfriend, but everyone on the ship knows she prefers Sailorman to her boyfriend. Sailorman and I had one argument. It wasn't marriage shattering -- it was barely even worth raising an eyebrow at. Yet he chose that argument to be the starting point to telling me that he was in love with The Whore. He didn't/doesn't think he loves me and isn't sure that he ever really did. I am furious, but tell him that if he wants out of our marriage without at least trying to make it work for the sake of our kids, that he'll have to pursue that himself because I still believed that we owed it to the kids to do the absolute most we could to keep it together for their sake. Sailorman's only response is "I just don't know."

He tells The Whore how he feels, but she's a smart 21 year old. She knows that getting involved with a married older man that you work for in the Navy is NOT a good idea. She rejects him. He's crushed. He comes running to me -- not that he loves me, but because he knows that I'm the only person that will listen to his crap and care that he's hurt. Asshole move, right? I tell him so, but also promise that I'll listen to anything BESIDES that. He wants to tell me about conflict with his boss? I'll listen. He wants to complain about food on the ship? I'll listen. And I'll listen to complaints on lack of mail, loneliness, long work days, boredom, etc., but I don't want to hear her name. He tries to manipulate me into filing for divorce by telling me terrible things, about me, about him, about our relationship, and about his relationship with The Whore. He even told me that he doesn't understand why I haven't left yet because he knows he would have. I have stood my ground and continued to tell him that I will not listen to this, and that if he wants out then he can file himself, but for now I'm staying as I still want to work on it.

The Whore is not talking to him. It's making his life miserable. (And you see how well my not hearing about her is working out? I still have to hear about her.... ugh.) But he's slowly making new friends. And he's actually talking to me again. He even slipped up one night and told me he loves me.

He finally tells me that he doesn't want to lose his kids. He doesn't think that there is much hope for us, but he's willing to give it a shot through counseling as I've been asking him to do. I'm now in the process of trying to find the funds for a marriage workshop for marriages in crisis that he's agreed to attend with me (that has a success rate of 3 out of 4 marriages that attend are still together over a year after attending). It's $1500 though, plus hotels and meals.

He also has agreed to plan a trip with me -- just the two of us with no kids. We're looking at learning to dive together. I think it could be a lot of fun.

I'm now in counseling because this is probably the most depressing situation I've ever been in -- and that's saying a lot as I was raped shortly before I was married. It's one thing for someone you semi-know to take advantage of you, but a completely different thing when the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with betrays you.

Right now my stance on my marriage is: I am committed to doing everything I can to restore and renew my marriage that I can, so that if the time comes that I have to leave, I know I did the best I could for myself and my children.

By the way, I know that a lot of this sounds hopeless, and yes he's being selfish and a jerk and honestly doesn't even deserve a family right now, but I know first of all, that this is about more than just him not being happy -- this is about his soul needing to God's rest and peace. And I know that there is always hope. I see a long future ahead of us if we can just survive the rest of this deployment. He's making plans with me. He's committed to trying to work on this. He's acknowledged that no one could have treated him better than I do and that his kids deserve to have him in their lives. There is always hope. Some days it's just hard to hold onto though.

~Steph

The Beginning

I have spent the last several months in blogger-hiding for multiple reasons, but the main one was my marriage. I wasn't free to talk about it online. I had too many links from my real life to my blog and couldn't risk pulling my kids into a situation where they might be brought into it. The only solution I have been able to find is to start anew. I'll still update from time to time my other blogs, but until I can write without feeling like I'm lieing for not talking about my marriage, then I'll primarily stay here.

I named this blog Getting Back to the Basics for many reasons. I'm focusing on getting back to the basic building blocks of my faith, of my children's discipline and education, of my health, and to the basics in my marriage. I plan on exploring what that means for me here, as well as just trying to be honest and open as I sort through the life that I never thought I would have.

Let's meet the cast of characters:

Sailorman: My husband. We've been married for 4 1/2 years but known each other for nearly 9. Usually I love him, but some days I want to throw him out of a third-story window. He suffers from severe depression and no matter whether he's taking medication for it or not, we see the effects of it on a daily basis. He is in the Navy and is currently deployed.

The Girl: is 3. Her name is hard to pronounce. She's artistic and creative and stubborn and frustrating. She makes my world a beautiful place with a (generally) sweet spirit, but her perfectionism and know-it-all attitude promises a teenage-hood full of challenges. If nothing else, I can say she makes my life fun. She also has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger, and she knows it.

The Boy: is 2. He's the sweetest most loving child I've ever known. He loves to cuddle and kiss and tickle. He wants everyone to always smile and is the first to say he's sorry and ask for a hug whenever someone is acting even a little upset. He worships his sister, and clings to his mommy.

The Whore: is just what she sounds like she might be -- a person that shouldn't be a part of my marriage. My husband might argue that she has her good points, but I don't see them. She works on Sailorman's ship and there is nothing physically going on between them. If that changes, she might die. The emotional relationship is being cut off as much as it can, but until they no longer serve on the same ship, I have little hope for it staying that way. I have hope that I will be able to cut her out of this cast of characters at least by next fall.

Therapist Fred: Obviously my therapist. He is helping me find my way through life right now as it's proven to have rougher waters than I ever imagined.

Steph: That would be me. Wife. Mommy. I used to be a teacher, now I teach my kids. I'm involved in my church and am trying to be more so. I have fibromyalgia that makes life difficult from time to time.

And that's our currently family in a nutshell.

Next post: The marriage fiasco.