My marriage.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. Let me try to give a summary, but I don't know that this can be short by any standard.

Sailorman and I have had problems for a while now. We've both known it. This last fall I realized that he was incredibly close to a girl, who we now know as The Whore. I confronted him on the fact that he was not investing in the kids and I, but he was pouring emotional energy in The Whore. I told him we had enough problems without bringing another person into it. I knew she liked him. I could tell he at least was crushing on her. I was furious. I drug him to see Therapist Fred. He swore they were just friends. He committed to working on our marriage. I thought things were getting better.

He lied.

Sailorman deployed at the beginning of the year. Our primary communication comes in the form of Facebook chat. Unfortunately, The Whore works for him on the ship. They have more time than ever to get buddy buddy and such. The Whore has a boyfriend, but everyone on the ship knows she prefers Sailorman to her boyfriend. Sailorman and I had one argument. It wasn't marriage shattering -- it was barely even worth raising an eyebrow at. Yet he chose that argument to be the starting point to telling me that he was in love with The Whore. He didn't/doesn't think he loves me and isn't sure that he ever really did. I am furious, but tell him that if he wants out of our marriage without at least trying to make it work for the sake of our kids, that he'll have to pursue that himself because I still believed that we owed it to the kids to do the absolute most we could to keep it together for their sake. Sailorman's only response is "I just don't know."

He tells The Whore how he feels, but she's a smart 21 year old. She knows that getting involved with a married older man that you work for in the Navy is NOT a good idea. She rejects him. He's crushed. He comes running to me -- not that he loves me, but because he knows that I'm the only person that will listen to his crap and care that he's hurt. Asshole move, right? I tell him so, but also promise that I'll listen to anything BESIDES that. He wants to tell me about conflict with his boss? I'll listen. He wants to complain about food on the ship? I'll listen. And I'll listen to complaints on lack of mail, loneliness, long work days, boredom, etc., but I don't want to hear her name. He tries to manipulate me into filing for divorce by telling me terrible things, about me, about him, about our relationship, and about his relationship with The Whore. He even told me that he doesn't understand why I haven't left yet because he knows he would have. I have stood my ground and continued to tell him that I will not listen to this, and that if he wants out then he can file himself, but for now I'm staying as I still want to work on it.

The Whore is not talking to him. It's making his life miserable. (And you see how well my not hearing about her is working out? I still have to hear about her.... ugh.) But he's slowly making new friends. And he's actually talking to me again. He even slipped up one night and told me he loves me.

He finally tells me that he doesn't want to lose his kids. He doesn't think that there is much hope for us, but he's willing to give it a shot through counseling as I've been asking him to do. I'm now in the process of trying to find the funds for a marriage workshop for marriages in crisis that he's agreed to attend with me (that has a success rate of 3 out of 4 marriages that attend are still together over a year after attending). It's $1500 though, plus hotels and meals.

He also has agreed to plan a trip with me -- just the two of us with no kids. We're looking at learning to dive together. I think it could be a lot of fun.

I'm now in counseling because this is probably the most depressing situation I've ever been in -- and that's saying a lot as I was raped shortly before I was married. It's one thing for someone you semi-know to take advantage of you, but a completely different thing when the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with betrays you.

Right now my stance on my marriage is: I am committed to doing everything I can to restore and renew my marriage that I can, so that if the time comes that I have to leave, I know I did the best I could for myself and my children.

By the way, I know that a lot of this sounds hopeless, and yes he's being selfish and a jerk and honestly doesn't even deserve a family right now, but I know first of all, that this is about more than just him not being happy -- this is about his soul needing to God's rest and peace. And I know that there is always hope. I see a long future ahead of us if we can just survive the rest of this deployment. He's making plans with me. He's committed to trying to work on this. He's acknowledged that no one could have treated him better than I do and that his kids deserve to have him in their lives. There is always hope. Some days it's just hard to hold onto though.

~Steph